


memories hurt, so remember

by Lewdsuke



Series: Iwaizumi/Oikawa [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Apologies, Childhood Memories, Crying, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Living Together, M/M, Memories, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Injuries, Oikawa Tooru's Knee Injury, References to Depression, Sad Iwaizumi Hajime, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 18:26:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18834238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lewdsuke/pseuds/Lewdsuke
Summary: If only flowers fixed all their problems. If only Oikawa could play volleyball again. If the memories hurt so bad, why did he have to remember them? Oikawa Tooru deserved better than what Iwaizumi gave him.“Just... memories. You always told me to remember the happy stuff when I get like this,” Iwaizumi stated, leaning into Oikawa’s touch.“Did it help?”“...No.”





	memories hurt, so remember

When Iwaizumi used to watch indie movies about people rebelling and living and loving in a way so different from everyone, he thought it was beautiful. He imagined him and Oikawa being able to leave their hometown to live together. They’d live humbly in the shadows and conquer all their dreams and desires together. They’d own the city nights.

 

But it was nothing like that.

 

Iwaizumi stood in his bedroom with the window open, his arms on the railings outside of it, supporting his weight. A cigarette was perched between his lips as it usually was. Oikawa lay on the bed, fast asleep, his naked body scantily covered by their thin sheets. Iwaizumi couldn’t help but admire him. After all this time, after all the pain he’d endured, Oikawa still managed to appear strong and beautiful.

 

Iwaizumi envied him.

 

His lover kept a solid facade of perfection and fulfillment that Iwaizumi couldn’t match. Beauty came naturally to Oikawa. It always had. Even in the darkest of times. Even in _their_ darkest of times.

 

When they first graduated high school, they were excited and hopeful for their future together. Oikawa was closer than ever to becoming a strong, pro volleyball player and Iwaizumi was an aspiring photographer with insurmountable potential. It all changed during only their first year at the university, though. They bought a car, and one night during their first semester, it was all suddenly gone. A car rammed into their side. The passenger’s side. Where Oikawa was sitting.

 

Iwaizumi could only watch in horror as they waited for help. Oikawa bled and cried and whispered Iwaizumi’s name so softly as he tried so desperately to keep is eyes open. During his surgery, Iwaizumi could only wait in fear as he ground his teeth and tried to push away the idea that this was his fault, that Oikawa was hurt because of him, that he should’ve been more attentive.

 

That he should’ve never convinced Oikawa to live with him because now he’s laying in a fucking hospital bed and—

 

_Shit_.

 

Iwaizumi spit his cigarette out and watched it fall to the cement below their apartment on the second floor. Remembering only hurt. He lost any and all inspiration he'd originally had as a photographer. The world was becoming void of beauty and no matter how many times Oikawa tried to comfort him, Iwaizumi could only find regret in his lover’s eyes. And for what, he didn’t know.

 

The dark-haired male pulled another cigarette from his pocket, lighting it and closing his eyes. He tried to relax. Oikawa told him that if he tried to recall all his best memories, it would help. So he always started from the beginning.

 

He remembered when he went over to Oikawa’s house as a child and wanted to play with his Godzilla toy, but Oikawa wanted to play with his alien figures. They’d argued on and on about it, until Oikawa’s mother intervened and suggested that they play with both. Remembering how much fun they had playing with their game of Godzilla and aliens on Mars always made him smile.

 

Iwaizumi always thought Oikawa was the strangest person he knew. He figured that’s why he loved aliens so much.

 

He recalled the time when him and Oikawa played outside together, searching for beetles because Iwaizumi always liked to. One time he found a spider, the long-legged one, and held it up to Oikawa’s face. His friend had screamed and stumbled forward, falling down and scraping his knee, his nose bloody from hitting his face on the ground. Iwaizumi has felt so bad that he sobbed silently the whole time his mom tended to Oikawa’s wounds. Then he went and picked some flowers to give to Oikawa. The flowers were actually just weeds from his yard, but they didn’t know that then. It didn’t matter either because Oikawa smiled so big when Iwaizumi gave them to him, and he went home to put them in a glass of water as soon as he left.

 

If only flowers could fix all their problems.

 

When they were started their first year at Aoba Johsai, Iwaizumi met another boy their age. He and Oikawa had had a ‘thing’ for a while now, but for some reason Iwaizumi forgot about that and started to see this other boy. Only a few weeks later, he’d been making out with him when Oikawa caught them. He got so angry and yelled at Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi immediately ended things with this boy and, the next day, gave Oikawa a bouquet of flowers. Oikawa took them and threw them back at his face.

 

Iwaizumi let out shaky breath, running a hand through his hair. He and Oikawa learned to laugh about that memory, eventually.

 

Two years before that happened, Iwaizumi remembers when he and Oikawa had their first kiss. It was their second year at Kitagawa Daiichi and they were hanging out at Iwaizumi’s house. When they finished their schoolwork, they had been talking about some of the attractive boys and girls in their grade, then suddenly Oikawa asked him if he’d ever kissed anyone. An embarrassed Iwaizumi said that he hadn’t, yelling at him for asking such a question. He didn’t expect Oikawa to say that it was the same for him. The taller boy always had way more girls who were into him, so Iwaizumi assumed that he’d kissed a girl already, multiple even. He assumed wrong.

 

What came next was even more unexpected then, because Oikawa had proposed that they be each other’s first kiss. Iwaizumi’s face was red as a tomato as he gulped and nodded in agreement. Oikawa’s blush was light, but he couldn’t look his friend in the eyes. Even now, Iwaizumi remembered the kiss very clearly. Oikawa’s soft lips against his own chapped ones. His were slightly more relaxed than Iwaizumi’s, which were trembling at the time. Oikawa laughed at him and said he was a bad kisser, but after all this time Iwaizumi prided himself on being the better kisser.

 

Suddenly, Iwaizumi’s head began to pound, his legs shook and he fell to the floor. The collapse caused his cigarette butt to brush against his skin, making him hiss and grit his teeth, quickly smashing it into the ash tray he had near him.

 

“Hajime!” He heard a gasp and glanced up to see Oikawa stumble from the bed, dragging the sheets with him. He knelt beside his lover and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him gently because Iwaizumi was curling into himself, shivering violently, “Hajime, please, calm down,” Oikawa’s voice was smooth and tired.

 

Iwaizumi shook his head, but leaned into Oikawa’s arms, taking deep breaths as he’d taught himself to do in these situations.

 

“It’s okay,” Oikawa whispered, tucking his nose into Iwaizumi’s hair and hugging him close.

 

As Iwaizumi sat there, he couldn’t help but fall deeper into memories as he breathed in his lover’s scent.

  

> _“Iwa-chan.”_

> _“Mm?”_
> 
> _“I think I’m in love with you.”_

> _“Wh-what?”_

> _Iwaizumi looked at his friend sitting beside him on the ground. Oikawa took a sip from his water bottle, beads of sweat on his temple from volleyball practice. Slowly, the setter turned to him and smiled, “You heard me,” and then he got up and walked away._

> > _Iwaizumi had felt that way for years, and he knew Oikawa did too. Yet it took until their second year of high school to say it._

The shorter male tried to take another deep breath, but instead let out a sob, and Oikawa’s hold on him tightened, “Hajime.”

 

“Call me Iwa-chan, like you used to,” Iwaizumi whispered softly. Oikawa hadn’t called him that in a long time.

 

Oikawa let out a strangled breath as he said, “Iwa-chan,” his warm hands moved to caress Iwaizumi’s bare torso, skin cold, “Iwa-chan.”

 

Just hearing him say it caused Iwaizumi to choke, his eyes watery as he bit his lip to hold back his tears. After all, how weak was he to have to cry about this, when Oikawa was the one who'd been hurt the most?

 

 

> _“Hajime.... I can’t play volleyball anymore.”_

> Iwaizumi remembered the crack in his voice when he said it. Oikawa was sitting in the hospital bed the morning after the wreck, head bowed and hair a mess. Iwaizumi was helpless to the tears his lover shed that day, and yet here he was, causing him even more pain. Oikawa didn’t deserve _this_. He deserved better than what he got.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Iwaizumi whispered, gripping onto Oikawa’s waist and burning his head in the taller’s neck.

 

Oikawa simply kissed his head and whispered back, “It’s okay, Haji— Iwa-chan. You don’t have to be sorry. I love you.”

 

Iwaizumi winced at the words.

 

 

> _“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa sounded embarrassed, which startled Iwaizumi, “You know, we’ve been doing really well in this tournament so far.”_

> _Iwaizumi grunted in agreement._
> 
> _“Since we have a few days off, we could get together and....”_
> 
> _“And?” Iwaizumi prompted._
> 
> _Oikawa looked him in the eye and smirked, “Do you wanna have sex?”_
> 
> _Iwaizumi’s jaw dropped as he looked at his boyfriend in surprise. He couldn’t bring himself to talk, but he responded with a vigorous nod. Oikawa went home with Iwaizumi that night._

> “Tooru,” Iwaizumi’s voice was hoarse as he tried to relax in his lover’s arms, but he couldn’t stop thinking.

 

 

> _Oikawa was flushed red from his ears to his shoulders, one arm covering his mouth. The sensation was strange. Iwaizumi’s face was scrunched up and his body tense as he prepared his boyfriend. They’d done the research, but it didn’t make the exchange any more comfortable, “I’m sorry, Tooru, just—“_

> _“It’s fine, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa interrupted him quickly. His voice was muffled, and he used his other arm to grab onto Iwaizumi’s wrist, “You don’t have to be sorry.”_
> 
> _Iwaizumi gulped, pulling out his fingers and relishing in the way Oikawa’s entrance twitched. He felt so powerful, being able to see the Great King like this. Being the first to see him like this. He just wanted him to feel good, but—_
> 
> _“Ngh!” Oikawa gritted his teeth as Iwaizumi finally pushed inside of him, “Gently, Iwa-chan.”_

>  

 

Oikawa had always told him that it felt good that first time, but Iwaizumi has never believed him. _  
_

His arms fell to his side as the tears finally broke through, bursting like a broken dam and slivering down his face, so light they barely felt real.

 

“Hajime!”

 

Iwaizumi cringed and shook his head. He was tired of that name, so tired. It only served to remind him of the hole he’s dug for not only himself, but for Oikawa, too. He hated it. He didn’t want to be Hajime, the man who ruined Oikawa Tooru’s life. He wanted to be Iwa-chan again. He wanted... he wanted to be that partner that Oikawa could be proud of again.

 

“Tooru. Tooru, Tooru, _Tooru_ ,” Iwaizumi’s words came in a fleeting breath, followed by a choking cry as he pulled Oikawa closer to him, hugging him tighter, harder, feeling the taller’s back arch at the movement.

 

There was a quiet grunt of pain, snapping Iwaizumi out of his sorrow as he looked up at the grimace on Oikawa’s face, “It, um, hurts.”

 

Iwaizumi’s stomach churned as he glanced back down to see Oikawa’s knee being bent at an angle that was a little to much for him. He hastily pried himself away so the other could sit normally, “Shit! I’m sorry, Tooru, I’m—“

 

“Stop. Please stop apologizing,” Oikawa pleaded, reaching out to wipe Iwaizumi’s wet cheeks. The shorter man couldn’t help but admire him in that moment. The curls of his unkempt hair were something that even Iwaizumi didn’t see often. The flickering, green-tinted streetlights from outside their apartment would illuminate the structure of his face with every blink. Iwaizumi inwardly smiled, because Oikawa could even make their dingy home seem beautiful.

 

Despite this, Iwaizumi’s momentary awe began to waver, “But, I’m.... I ruined your _life_ Tooru, I... it’s all my fault that we’re like this. You deserve better than this.”

 

The betrayal in Oikawa’s gaze was a punch to the gut, “You’re a dumbass, Iwa-chan,” and Iwaizumi could only marvel in Oikawa’s ability to smile at a time like this.

 

He instinctively moved to cross his arms in shame for the things he said, even if he _did_ believe them. Doing so made him hiss, however, from the place where’d he’d burned himself with the cigarette.

 

A gasp sounded from Oikawa, who finally let go of his lover to glare at him, “You burned yourself,” he muttered, irritation evident in his tone.

 

“I swear I didn’t mean to this time.”

 

Oikawa held eye contact with him as to know the truth. Although Iwaizumi hated how well they could read each other sometimes, he loved it in times like this. Iwaizumi had done it on purpose before. He needed Oikawa to know that at least... at least he wasn't doing  _that_ again.

 

The taller man stood with a groan, dropping the sheet that wrapped his body and heading off into their bathroom.

 

Iwaizumi watched him go, taking the sheet for himself and holding it close. Oikawa’s steps were awkward; Iwaizumi must’ve been too rough that night.

 

“Gh,” Iwaizumi grunted and pinched the bridge of his nose. The room grew colder and his head began throbbing as soon as Oikawa left the room.

 

 

> _“Hajime, I swear I didn’t do it on purpose, I’d never do that to you,” Oikawa spoke quietly, afraid to provoke Iwaizumi any more than he already had._

> _Iwaizumi, on the other hand, was fuming, fists clenched and voice loud, “But you_ did _, Tooru, that’s the problem. You_ did _do it.”_
> 
> _“But I was drunk, I wasn’t—“_
> 
> _“That doesn’t mean anything! You don’t become a different person when you’re drunk, Tooru, you, you...!” Iwaizumi took a deep breath and tightened his jaw, “Somewhere, deep down, you_ wanted _—“_
> 
> _“I didn’t!” Oikawa screamed it this time, his lips trembling. His knuckles were white from the grip he had on the hem of his shirt, “I didn’t want it, Hajime. And I’m sorry.”_
> 
> _Iwaizumi hated what he saw when he looked into Oikawa’s eyes. He hated the remorse and regret that he saw there. He hated it._
> 
> _“Tooru....”_
> 
> _“I swear to god, Hajime, I’ll do anything to repay you. I can’t stand thinking about it. You’re the only one I want and... and the thought of having..._ cheated _on you makes me sick, I... I...,” the lump in Oikawa’s throat grew, Iwaizumi could tell by the quiver of his breath._
> 
> _Iwaizumi gritted his teeth, lurching forward to embrace the man in front of him, “Okay, Tooru, it’s okay. Just, don’t leave me.”_
> 
> _He hated how pathetic he sounded. He hated the hot tears that cascaded from his lover’s eyes._

> He hated watching Oikawa leave.

 

“Iwa-chan.”

 

Iwaizumi opened his eyes. He didn’t realize they were closed, but his eyelids were heavy and it hurt to focus on anything. He mumbled something unintelligible, he couldn’t even tell what. Oikawa sighed, pressing a cold, wet washcloth to the small burn on Iwaizumi’s arm.

 

“Sorry, does it hurt?” Oikawa asked when Iwaizumi flinched.

 

“No.”

 

It was a transparent lie, but Oikawa didn’t say anything to it. He continued to dab the scar gently, “You’re lucky it’s not as bad as last time.”

 

Iwaizumi nodded in response. He didn’t feel like talking more than he had to. His throat still hurt a bit from the cry he had earlier.

 

“What were you thinking about?”

 

Iwaizumi sighed, but it sounded closer to a low-pitched whimper, “Lots of stuff.”

 

“Like?”

 

This time Iwaizumi’s sigh was very loud and audible, “Do I have to?”

 

Oikawa pursed his lips, one hand threading through Iwaizumi’s hair as the other held the washcloth, “Well, I like to know,” he said with a small smile. Even after all these years it still made Iwaizumi’s heart flutter.

 

“Just... memories. You always told me to remember the happy stuff when I get like this,” Iwaizumi stated, leaning into Oikawa’s touch.

 

“Did it help?”

 

“...No.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Iwaizumi gnawed on his lip, anxious for Oikawa to say more.

 

They stayed silent for a few minutes. The washcloth lay still on Iwaizumi’s forearm. Oikawa had his hands at the shorter man’s ears, tugging lightly on the hair around them. Iwaizumi had his hand on Oikawa’s thigh, his thumbing against his skin.

 

“Do you... want me to help?” Oikawa whispered in a sleepy voice. They were awake in the middle of the night, after all. Reluctantly, Iwaizumi nodded his head.

 

Oikawa smiled, his eyes soft as he looked down at the floor, “Do you remember when Mattsun and Makki found out we were dating, and they wouldn’t stop saying ‘gayyy’ and ‘you two should kiss’ whenever we were together?"

 

Iwaizumi chuckled at that memory. Matsukawa and Hanamaki had probably made fun of them the most, but they were always the most supportive, too.

 

“Oh,” Oikawa snorted, “And remember when I kissed you on the court once, and that referee yelled at us?”

 

Iwaizumi cracked a grin, “How could I forget that homophobic asshole?”

 

“Right?” Oikawa giggled, “Last time I checked, a peck on the lips after an awesome play is not a reason to be benched!”

 

Their quiet laughter trailed off and their smiles fell. Memories. As wonderful as they were, it only made their current lives seem worse. Because now, they were recalling the happiest times of their lives. And now, Oikawa couldn’t even play volleyball, the thing he’d dedicated himself to for so long.

 

“Remember—“

 

“I don’t want to remember, Tooru,” Iwaizumi snapped.

 

Oikawa wasn’t fazed though, as he caressed Iwaizumi’s biceps, “ _Remember_ when were children and we played together all the time? I never told you, but almost every time I got home, I’d cry to my sister because I wanted to stay with you. I told her that I wanted Iwa-chan to marry me.”

 

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa with lidded eyes, wishing him to continue.

 

Oikawa smirked, shifting so he was sitting shoulder to shoulder with Iwaizumi, pulling the sheet so that it covered their entire body, then he leaned his head on his lover’s shoulder, hugging his arm to his chest, “She’d laugh at me and say, ‘Iwa-chan is like your knight in shining armor, huh’ and I’d agree, obviously,” the taller man pressed a few kisses against Iwaizumi’s collarbone before continuing, “Sometimes she asked me ‘What if Iwa-chan turns out to be a big meanie?’ and then I’d laugh at her because that was impossible.”

 

“I’ve probably hit you more than anyone ever,” Iwaizumi mused, “Is it really impossible?”

 

“Duh. The only times you hit me are when I’m doing something stupid or when I’m being cute and it embarrasses you,” Oikawa’s shoulder’s shook as he held in a laugh.

 

“That second reason is debatable,” Iwaizumi muttered, resting his head atop Oikawa’s.

 

“Anyway,” Oikawa said with a roll of his eyes, “I remember I told my parents one day that I’d marry you. They laughed at first, but after I said it a couple more times, my dad said something like, ‘don’t be ridiculous son, you’re gonna find a beautiful young women and marry her,’” he lowered his voice an octave as he imitated his father’s voice, “And when I got mad at him, he spanked me!”

 

Iwaizumi could practically hear the pout in his voice, “Oh?”

 

“Yeah!” Oikawa exclaimed, “I hated getting spanked. But then I met you!”

 

“Oh my god, Tooru,” Iwaizumi groaned.

 

Snorting, Oikawa moved his head so that he could look up and smile at his his lover, “But, you know what I’m saying, right?”

 

“What? That you’re a kinky bastard?”

 

Oikawa straightened his back, “Rude, Iwa-chan!” And Iwaizumi could almost cry hearing that familiar phrase, but he didn’t, “I’m being serious. I love you, Hajime, okay?”

 

Iwaizumi couldn’t bring himself to smile, but he nodded his head in acknowledgement.

 

“I’ve loved you since day one, and nothing is going to change that. I don’t care what happens, I don’t care how poor we are, I don’t care,” Oikawa’s lips ghosted against Iwaizumi’s neck as he spoke.

 

Iwaizumi licked his lips and nodded again, “I’m sorry,” he sighed, “I love you too, Tooru.”

 

“If I hear you crying about this again, I’m seriously gonna kill you,” Oikawa said with a hint of a smile.

 

“It’s a deal.”

 

Slowly, carefully, Oikawa stretched up to place a kiss against Iwaizumi’s lips, pulling away only to kiss everywhere else on his face, his heart warming when he felt Iwaizumi’s face rise with a smile.

 

“You should quit smoking. It tastes bad.”

 

“Mm.”

 

“And quit crying. You’re not supposed to be the crybaby.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“The next time I see you cry is gonna be when you propose to me, alright?”

 

“Alright.... Wait what?”

 

Oikawa cackled and wrapped his arms around Iwaizumi, “Carry me back to bed, Iwa-chan.”

 

Iwaizumi places his arms beneath Oikawa’s arms and legs to lift him, “What did you say, Tooru?”

 

“I said don’t be a crybaby! Come on, I’m tired,” Oikawa said as he was lifted up.

 

Huffing, but smiling, Iwaizumi quieted and carried Oikawa to their bed, sheet wrapped loosely around them as they curled up close. Oikawa’s slender fingers glided over Iwaizumi’s neck over and over until they fell limp, his breath steady and even. Iwaizumi opened his eyes to look at him. He felt a pang in his chest at the wondrous sight. Oikawa Tooru. The man could’ve had anything he wanted, but he chose Iwaizumi over all of it.

 

Why did he ever doubt him?

 

One month later, Iwaizumi cried again, but this time Oikawa cried with him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I tried, but it didn't really come out right. I apologize for any mistakes and I hope you enjoy it :) and remember I live off your comments :')


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